Thursday, July 9, 2009

Quarterly Letter to Investors

To be frank, we had a bad quarter. I don’t want to bore you with a bunch of numbers, but let’s just say that now is a good time to think about all the positive things in life. For instance, for those of you in good health: at least you have your health! For those of you with people who love you: you have people who love you! Think of that!

I’ve received a lot of emails recently from people asking if their assets are safe. I want to assure all of our investors that your assets are perfectly safe; there are merely fewer of them. Make no mistake about it: these are hard times. The market has been a real bitch. I know what some of you are thinking: “Wasn’t the market up this quarter?” Yes, it was. But no, we didn’t invest in it. At least not that market. You see, as a hedge fund, we can take a long or short position in any market in the world, no matter how arcane or ridiculous. For instance, did you know that Swaziland has its own currency? Well, it does. What does that have to do with your retirement funds? A lot.

I admit to having made some bad—let’s call them bone-headed-- investment decisions this quarter. And I want everyone to know that I take full personal responsibility and have fired the trader who placed the orders. I also want to address something else. There has been a lot in the news lately about fund managers who have had, let us say, lapses in ethics. I want to assure everybody that all of the funds lost around here were lost ethically. We place morals as our highest value. Everything else comes second.

In other news, there has been a lot of confusion lately about our moving offshore. To clarify: the fund has not moved offshore, just the office. What country are we in? I’m going to make that the trivia question of the month. Winner gets a returned phone call. Hint: the surfing lessons are a lot more fun than the Spanish lessons. My attorney also points out that there are no extradition laws.

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